is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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