So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize