I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
