I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
