I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
