Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
