hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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