So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
