I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
