Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
