He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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