My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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