I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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