You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found puke in my bra..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
