Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
