Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
