I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
