So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
