very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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