WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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