Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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