U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
