direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
