I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He felt like a one man threesome
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
