I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
