You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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