i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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