Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
