I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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