I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
