my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
