I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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