I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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