He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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