I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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