We're like a lot better than the average bears
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
