I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
