thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
