In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
