eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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