so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
