ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize