What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
