my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
