i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
