Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
