anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
