Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
