also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
