Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
