My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
