i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
