she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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