you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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