So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
