some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
