I will die if light touches me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
